COW HUMOR: If we are going to have a funny cow logo, let's have some fun here ....
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Amy, a blonde city girl, marries a Wisconsin dairyman. One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to Amy, "The breeder is coming over to breed one of our cows today. I drove a nail into the beam just above the cow's stall in the barn. You show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?" So then the rancher leaves for the fields. After a while, the AI man arrives and knocks on the front door. Amy takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when she sees the nail, she tells him, "This is the one...right here." Terribly impressed by what he seemed to think just might be another ditzy blonde, the man asks, "Tell me lady, how did you know this is the cow to be bred?" "That's simple. By the nail over its stall." Amy explains very confidently. Then the man asks, "What's the nail for?" She turns and walks away, and with complete confidence, says, "I guess it's to hang your pants on."
I was milking one afternoon and saw a fly crawl in Betsy's left ear. It disappeared from sight. I kept milking and, just before she was empty, out popped that darn fly, right into the pail. It was in one ear and out the udder.
Mother Supreme was on her deathbed. The doctor told the nuns to give her warm milk and hope for the best. But she wouldn’t even try to drink it. So, thinking fast because her time wasn’t long, the nuns added a little Old Grandad to it, and she took a sip. Encouraged, they added more. She drank it. They gave her more and she began to rally. A fourth, generous, helping and she could even talk a bit. Hoping for some words of sage advice before she died, they asked her if she could tell them something that would help them after she was gone. She quickly said, "You know, that cow - don’t sell it!”
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Ole is a farmer in Minnesota . He is in need of a new milk cow and hears about a nice one for sale over in Nordakota (that would be North Dakota for you non-Scandahoovians out there). He drives to Nordakota, finds the farm and looks at the cow. He reaches under to see if the cow gives milk. When he grabs a teat and pulls...the cow farts. Surprised, Ole looks at the farmer who's selling the cow, then reaches under to try again. He grabs another teat, pulls, and the cow farts again. Milk does come out however, so after some discussion with the cow's current owner, Ole decides to buy the cow. When he gets back to Minnesota , he calls over his neighbor, Sven, and says, 'Hey, Sven, come and look at dis ere new cow I yust bought. Pull her teat, and see vat happens.' Sven reaches under, pulls the teat...the cow farts. Sven looks at Ole and says, 'You bought dis here cow in Nordakota, didn't yah?' Ole is very surprised since he hadn't told Sven about his trip. Ole replies, 'Yah, dat's right. But how d'yah know?' Sven says, 'My wife is from Nordakota.”
One day a traveling salesman stopped by the old Johnson farm in Heartland, Kansas. The man knocked, and Johnson's wife, Fannie, came to the door. "Is your husband home, Ma'am?" the salesman asked. Fannie replied, "Sure is. He's over to the cow barn." "Well, I've got something to show him, Ma'am. Will I have any difficulty finding him?" asked the salesman. The farmer's wife replied, "Nope. You shouldn't have any difficulties. He's the one with the beard and mustache."
A little lady from Wisconsin had worked in and around family dairy farms since she was old enough to walk... with hours of hard work and little compensation. When canned Carnation Milk became available in grocery stores (1940's) she read an advertisement offering $5,000 for the best slogan for a rhyme beginning with "Carnation Milk is best of all....". She thought, I know all about milk and dairy farms. I can do this! She sent in her entry and about a week later, a black limo drove up in front of her house. A man got out and said, "Carnation LOVED your entry so much, we are here to award you $1000, even though we will not be able to use it". Here is her entry:
Carnation milk is best of all,
No tits to pull, no shit to haul
No buckets to wash, no hay to pitch,
Just poke a hole in the son-of-a-bitch.
Carnation milk is best of all,
No tits to pull, no shit to haul
No buckets to wash, no hay to pitch,
Just poke a hole in the son-of-a-bitch.
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Three bulls were sunning themselves at the top of the hill. The littleist bull says, "I hear they are getting a new bull here." The others were incredulous. He went on, "And I hear he is bigger and randier than any of us." The biggest bull said, "Well there's only 100 cows here and I get to service 50 of them. I worked long and hard for that and I am not going to share any." The middle-sized bull said, "Yeah; I only have 35 and"... (looking intently at the biggest bull) " I want more than that." The little bull, encouraged, piped up, "And I only have 15 cows; that's hardly any. I need more practice if I am going to grow."
About this time the ranch pickup pulled up towing a stock trailer. It was shaking from side to side and there was this terrible fearsome noise coming from it. Two men got out and opened the doors at the back, running to the other side of the fence for safety. Out backed the biggest, blackest bull anyone had ever seen, bellering, blowing snot out of both sides at once, 20 feet in each diretiton. The cowboys on the other side of the fence ducked or they would have been soaked. He was pawing up dust 50 feet into the air. The ground in front of him was lit up by the evil in his eyes.
The big bull looked at this and said, quietly, "You know, I've been bulling around for a long while now and I am starting to get a bit tired of it. I'd like to be a good neighbor. He can have 25 of my cows." The middle bull knew just what was going through his mind, and he said, "That's a good idea. He can have half of mine too." They looked over to the little bull, who was squeaking away, dribbling snot and getting his knees dirty with the dust he trying to raise. "You little fool", they said, "He'll eat you for breakfast. You better give him some of your cows." The little fellow replied, "Oh, he can have all of my cows. I just want him to know I'm a bull."
About this time the ranch pickup pulled up towing a stock trailer. It was shaking from side to side and there was this terrible fearsome noise coming from it. Two men got out and opened the doors at the back, running to the other side of the fence for safety. Out backed the biggest, blackest bull anyone had ever seen, bellering, blowing snot out of both sides at once, 20 feet in each diretiton. The cowboys on the other side of the fence ducked or they would have been soaked. He was pawing up dust 50 feet into the air. The ground in front of him was lit up by the evil in his eyes.
The big bull looked at this and said, quietly, "You know, I've been bulling around for a long while now and I am starting to get a bit tired of it. I'd like to be a good neighbor. He can have 25 of my cows." The middle bull knew just what was going through his mind, and he said, "That's a good idea. He can have half of mine too." They looked over to the little bull, who was squeaking away, dribbling snot and getting his knees dirty with the dust he trying to raise. "You little fool", they said, "He'll eat you for breakfast. You better give him some of your cows." The little fellow replied, "Oh, he can have all of my cows. I just want him to know I'm a bull."
When I was a reporter, I was driving slowly down a country road, when suddenly something zipped by me. Something small. Interested, I sped up to nearly 40 and could see it was a chicken, a chicken with 3 legs. "Now, that's different." When he turned left into a farmer's yard, I hung the same left. The yard was full of 3-legged chickens, all zipping around like crazy, raising dust. The farmer came out to greet me. Sensing a story, I asked him about all the 3-legged chickens. Swelling up with pride, he explained. "Well, one day we hatched out a 3-legged chick. I got to thinking about how folks fight over who gets the drumsticks, so I raised it and began breeding them. And I think I have the only 3-legged flock in the State." "Wow", I replied, "How do they sell?". He frowned a bit, "Don't know, can't catch 'em."
